Welcoming a new baby is a joyous and often an emotional time. If your baby has a visible difference, it’s natural to worry, feel overwhelmed, have questions and also to grieve the child you may have imagined. All of these feelings are completely valid. Every parent’s journey is different, and there is no “right” way to feel. What matters most is that your baby is here and deeply loved.
A visible difference is just one part of who they are, they are a whole person with their own strengths and potential. You are not alone; many whānau in Aotearoa and beyond share this journey, and there’s a supportive community here to walk alongside you.
GETTING THE NEWS
Many parents describe hearing about their child’s visible difference as a moment that changed everything. It can bring a wave of emotions: confusion, sadness, love, protectiveness, fear. Some parents grieve the future they had pictured. Some feel guilty for having those feelings at all.
If you’ve felt this way, you are not a bad parent, you are simply human. Mourning the baby you expected does not mean you are rejecting the baby you have. It means you are coming to terms with a new reality, and that takes courage.
WHAT IS A VISIBLE DIFFERENCE
A visible difference is a physical feature that makes someone look different from what people might expect or be used to seeing. It may be something a baby is born with, or it might develop later as a result of an illness, injury, medical treatment, or surgery.
Visible differences can include things like birthmarks, scarring, cleft lip or palate, and skin conditions. It can also appear as missing, extra, or differently shaped parts of the body.
FROM DISCOMFORT TO ACCEPTANCE
It’s natural to feel discomfort when you encounter something unfamiliar. Even as a loving parent, you might have a gut-level reaction to a visible difference, especially if it’s linked in your mind with pain, illness, or injury. This response isn’t shameful. It’s human. Our brains are wired to notice what’s unexpected, but what matters most is what happens next.
You can acknowledge that initial reaction, and then gently challenge it. You can choose to stay with it, to learn, and to look again. Exposure helps. Looking at more photos. Talking with others. Reminding yourself that difference doesn’t mean damage. Over time, what once felt confronting can become something you meet with compassion.
As the days and weeks pass, many parents notice a shift. Grief softens. The unfamiliar becomes familiar. And slowly, you begin to see not just the difference, but your baby. Their sleepy breath. Their tiny fingers. Their first smile. This process doesn’t need to be rushed. Acceptance isn’t a fixed destination, it’s something you return to, again and again.
You don’t have to do it alone. Talking to a trusted friend, a partner, or a counsellor can help. So can connecting with other parents who’ve walked this road. Sometimes just knowing that someone else understands can ease the weight and light the way forward.
SHARING THE NEWS
Sharing your child’s visible difference with others can feel daunting. You may worry about how people will respond, or how much to say. It’s okay to take your time with this. You don’t have to explain everything all at once (or at all) if you’re not ready.
It’s up to you what you share, how much and with whom. Some families choose to be very open and others keep things private. Both are okay. You know your child, and your whānau, best.
Gentle ways to talk about your child’s condition
When you’re ready, it can help to have a few simple ways to describe your child’s difference. Here are some ideas to guide you:
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“Our baby was born with a condition that affects their appearance. It’s just one part of who they are.”
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“It’s called [name of condition, if you choose to share it] and that means [details you’re happy to share].”
You can keep things general or share specific details, whatever feels right for you. You’re allowed to say, “We’re not ready to talk about that right now,” or “We’d appreciate it if you didn’t focus on their appearance.” Over time, you’ll find the words that feel natural for you.
Most questions come from curiosity, not malice, but they can still sting. If you experience unkindness or intrusive questions, you have every right to walk away, change the subject, or set firm boundaries. And you may be surprised by the kindness and support that can grow when people understand your journey.
LOOKING AHEAD WITH HOPE
Right now, it might be hard to imagine, but many parents find a renewed sense of joy, one that is deeper for having passed through doubt and grief. You will come to know your child not as someone who is “different,” but simply as themselves. A child who will laugh, learn, grow, and surprise you. A child who is already deeply, fiercely loved.
This journey won’t always be easy, but you are not walking it alone. There is a community here for you, one that believes in your strength, honours your emotions, and sees hope in every story, including yours.
FINDING HELP
Reach out to the Visible Difference Aotearoa team here.
If you’re in crisis or need urgent support PlunketLine offers free support 24/7 from registered nurses: 0800 933 922 and postnatal mental health support on the Plunket website at plunket.org.nz.